BdawgBlog

Texas

2006-09-10T14:58:00.000-04:00

So I'm about done here in Texas, visiting CC before he ships out to Iraq. Check out my myspace blog for more details of the trip thus far. Explosives-sniffing dogs, fire ants, Bdawg in handcuffs, former meth dealers, and The Alamo are all things mentioned in the posts. It's been a good time. www.myspace.com/bdawgwrite

Snoochy boochies!

2006-06-22T21:39:00.000-04:00

Hello all.

I haven't posted on here for a while and I decided for some reason tonight that I should. Lately I've posted on my Myspace blog off and on. If you haven't read it, you should but if you don't I still love you. Okay. I hate the sound of animals chewing on bones. I've had a little bit of rage in me lately. I'm lonely. I can deal with it. I'm selfish. I feel lost. I'm kind of normal. I'm alright.

Shifting blog

2006-03-21T23:18:00.000-05:00

I've been posting more on my myspace blog lately. My site there is www.myspace.com/bdawgwrite. Right now I'm just digging it a little more than blogger, so check me out there.

Second Blog

2006-03-06T23:29:00.000-05:00

For some stupid reason, I've decided to start another blog. Here's the address for the fucking thing: http://awfulthingsivewritten.blogspot.com/.

The Prodigal Son Returns

2006-02-28T18:51:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am going to be visiting Bemidji at the end of March. I should arrive on Thursday March 23 and leave on Saturday March 25. Bemidji will finally be lucky enough to experience the moustache in person. My best friend will be making the trip with me, so kindness is demanded or we will slap you. Each of us has extensive slapping experience and it will be used if necessary or maybe even if it's not necessary--that's for you Twaag. Seriously, I'm calling you out Jeremy. I will slap you in the face!

If anyone was going to have party--that Friday perhaps--I would bring a case of beer from PA and my drinking cap. I will post more updates for my trip as necessary, but there will be a Bdawg invasion.

Steelers Win!!!

2006-02-05T22:49:00.000-05:00

Fucking A right!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Steelers won even if it was ugly!!!!!!!!!!!!Woooooooooooohoooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Groundhog Day--Wait a Damn Minute!!!

2006-02-02T15:46:00.000-05:00

It's Groundhog Day--a very important day in my part of the country. I did not get to attend the festivities this year due to having work at the same time this morning. It was great to see people participate in My Blog Sucks Day, but I have to reprimand many of you for forgetting the Bdawg's Bday. Maybe My Blog Sucks Day was too close to my birthday and people got too caught up in the excitement or perhaps many of you suck hardcore, perhaps even more than your blogs. There were many who did not recognize either my birthday or My Blog Sucks Day and those are the people in the world who truly suck. I think we can all agree on that. I hope the rest of Groundhog Day goes really shitty for most of the universe.

MY BLOG SUCKS

2006-02-01T09:22:00.000-05:00

iT'S THAT SPECIAL DAY, THAT ALL BLOGGERS WITH SUCKY BLOGS (oops forgot I still had on the caps lock) declare to the world that their blogs suck. Most won't participate. I attribute this to individuals not being honest with themselves and that's cool if you suck as hardcore as your blog. Remember it's MY BLOG SUCKS day all day.

Due to Difficulties with the Label

2006-01-29T18:56:00.000-05:00

My album will not make my February 2 release date as mentioned in an earlier post. Nellie McKay and I now have something in common; we've both had disputes with our record labels resulting in the non-release of our albums. I am working on a new project that hopefully be completed in the spring. My collaborators on this project and I plan on self-releasing the new album so we don't have to put up with the restrictivicity of the mainstream music industry. I'll keep the Bdawg nation up to date with any updates of my music career. The plan is to have a band website up by April at the latest. We need to come up with a name first though. That's all I have today. God bless you Bdawg Nation.

2006-01-23T22:17:00.000-05:00

And here's another one, just in case pic one wasn't enough for the Bdawg nation.

2006-01-23T22:15:00.000-05:00

Okay, here are my promised pics of the Bdawg and his extreme, hardcore moustache. Oh yeah!

Hardcore

2006-01-23T00:34:00.000-05:00

I've recognized that my blog sucks and now I want to make it better, more hardcore. What can I do to do that? Well, for starters I can try rolling a little harder in real life. I have an awesome moustache; why not use it to intimidate people like the elderly and infirm. If I can't intimidate them, what good am I? I could also try being al little bit more interesting. Who care if I see a vision of Yoda in a toilet bowl or pick up a hitchhiker--snore dude, snore. I need to add a little more excitement. Yeah, that's what I need and more importantly, that's what you need and you need it hardcore. I'll try to make this blog better, just bear with me.

Steelers in the Super Bowl!!!!!

2006-01-22T18:16:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah! I just watched the AFC Championship on a 60" TV and the Steelrs won it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm a little drunk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Steelers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My blog sucks!

2006-01-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

Yes, I admitted it. If your blog sucks please join me and millions of others on Wednesday February 1, 2006 for MY BLOG SUCKS DAY. All you have to do is write a post with the title MY BLOG SUCKS. What you write in the body of your post is your own business.

You may be wondering if you should participate in this event. Well, take a look at your blog. Read it carefully. Ask friends and online sex-partners to evaluate your blog as well. After you do this, you will almost certainly discover that your blog sucks. It's okay. Most blogs do. Don't be ashamed...actually be a little ashamed, but then get over it. Please link this blog post to your own blog and send it to others you feel should participate in MY BLOG SUCKS DAY. You'll probaly be sending it to quite a few people. And don't be afraid to participate. The realization that your blog sucks as well is the first step to your blog not sucking quite so hardcore.

MY BLOG SUCKS DAY--Wednesday February 1, 2006--Join in on the fun!

Get ready

2006-01-09T16:07:00.000-05:00

2005 was the year of the beard for the bdawg, but guess what the beard is gone now and I have declared 2006 The Year of the Moustache!

Oh yeah!!! And I have one hell of a moustache now. In the near future I will post a pic, fulfilling black bart's request for gratuitous photography. With the look I have now, men will fear me and women will become orgasmic at the sight of my face. I guarantee that you will be jealous of me when you see it.

Enough of my bragging for now. I've got to go work out my pecs. Later.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-03T13:45:00.000-05:00

If you are reading this, you are blessed. This is my year baby! Okay, maybe it isn't, but this is my first post of the new year and I have decided to make no resolutions. Last year my resolutions included masturbating more often and drinking more in frequency and in quantity. The first part of the year went well resolutionwise, but by mid-summer I got too behind to make good on the resoltuions. So this year I say, "Screw resolutions!!!" whether they be dropping 40lbs., writing more, or excessive masturbation (the last 2 are often the same thing). Screw resolutions!!! You're just setting yourself up for failure, whuich will ultimately lead toward a lesser quality of life instead of the higher quality for which the resoltuions are intended. Just get off your ass and do something instead of making a resolution. It's much more productive and failure is something you can think about later.

This has been a public service announcement provided by the Bdawg. You may now return to your regularly scheduled web-browsing.

Bdawg and Beer

2005-12-26T18:33:00.000-05:00

To drink my weight in beer, I'd need to drink 176 pints of beer or 286 bottles.
http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/beer/

Who wants to help me drink my weight in beer? We could make it an evening. I'm good for around 20 pints. I'll need some serious help with the rest, but i think we could make it happen.

That gives me a great idea. Does anyone know where there is a really big scale? Okay, we'll place the bdawg on one side and the equivalent amount of beer on the other side for a photo-op and then drink the beer.

Vision of Yoda

2005-12-21T15:51:00.000-05:00

Often we hear of people seeing visions of Christ or the Virgin Mary. I am skeptical, although I do not find it impossible. Well, today I had my own vision and that was a perfect vision of Yoda. Oh yes it was Yoda and it was not vague at all; it was definitely his image. The weird thing is that I saw this vision in the toilet bowl at my friend, Wally's house I looked at it from a couple different angles and it was Yoda at everyone. Why? Why would I be given a vision of Yoda in a friend's toilet bowl? Is there a real Jedi order and do they want me? The answer came to me as I looked out the window away from my vision.

That answer was that Yoda was created by sunlight coming through the lace curtains. The reflection of the underside of the curtains at many angles was Yoda's face from the sunlight and lace. Even though the phenomena I encountered was explainable, I still feel lucky to have had the experience. Maybe people see visions of deities, Jesus, and the Virgin Mary as the result of natural phenomenom. But does that make them any less special? As I think of Yoda looking up at me I think maybe not.

Update on me by me

2005-12-19T17:24:00.000-05:00

So yeah I have a job now. Finally broke down and joined the dark side. It's okay, because money is good; it's just the love of money that's evil, folks. Nothing too exciting going on here. In January I'll be taking a couple of classes at IUP and then I am returning to BSU in the fall to finish up my degree. Also I'm going to come up to Bemidji in the spring sometime probably late March or early April, so everyone up there prepare a party for me. I will bring some PA beer and such. I'll try to write a better post soon. Bdawg out.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-24T17:31:00.000-05:00

I just found this on my favourites list on my computer. It is freaking awesome! Enjoy!http://www.molvania.com/video_medium_2.html

Oh and here is another link you may enjoy if you liked the first one. http://www.jetlagtravel.com/molvania/antipope_medium.html

Have a happy Thanksgiving!!!

Keeping it cool when you're this hot.

2005-11-19T23:20:00.000-05:00

Hello Bdawg Nation!

Updates in my life: I have a new HotorNot pic. Visit the link! I'm a sexy man with a low rating.

I want to remind my readers that I am open for topics to discuss, so bring it.

Here's are some bdawg haikus to discuss:

Soul sleeps while autumn
dies. Geese gone south to warmer
lands. Soul seeks new home.

Coffeehouse dreams, Muff-
led screams rise against ear-muffed
Patrons at bedtime

Poster-child, Mild sauce
for my bean-filled taco. No-
vember sighs "defeat"

Reserve Your Copy Today

2005-11-15T14:03:00.000-05:00

My first full album should be completed by Christmas time--Groundhog Day at the latest. I can't give a lot of details about it, but things are progressing pretty well. Probably just gonna release it on my own but I may approach some labels to see if they're interested. We'll see. Hopefully, I'll be able to work on a full length album with TMBI eventually, but that will have to be put on hold until I return to Minnesota.

Enough about that. Not much else exciting happening with the Bdawg. I did help at the polling station for this year's election, which was pretty interesting. That's all I got for now. I am distracted by anything and everything. Later.

Rim Job for Dr. Kuha

2005-11-03T22:35:00.000-05:00

Dr. Kuha has asked that I "address the issue of twelve toed hookers from beyond the outer rim." And as an appreciater of my fans, I will oblige him.

Twelve toed hookers (or as we call them in the street ho-plus-2s) have become a problem for our earthling whores because they're just too damn cheap. Trust me I've been with a hooker or 2 and they ain't cheap. The other problem other than price is the cleanliness of ho-plus-2s. They are unsanitary creatures and I have gotten some STDs that the doctors can't figure out. Dr. Kuha, have you dealt with this problem? I am curious since you brought up the topic in the first place. I think that our law enforcement needs to crack down on the ho-plus-2s. Many don't have valid visas and they are taking jobs from the hardworking whores of Earth, plus their effect on the health of the people of Earth could be disasterous. If we don't stop these creatures soon, the future looks pretty grim.

Keep the requests coming! I am here to make you the reader happy.

Better content

2005-10-31T10:05:00.000-05:00

Hello all and happy Halloween! I'm posting from our nation's capital today, because that's where I'm at right now, chillin' at my sister's place until tomorrow.

I'm trying to figure out ways to make my blog better in content. Are there any suggestions? Because I welcome them as long as they're not stupid--actually, I welcome stupid suggestions as well. Are there any topics that you'd like to see me address? Please let me know if there are. Anything I can do to make things more enjoyable for the like 5 people who read this, I'll do.

Does anyone know anywhere that hosts audio-clips for free? I'd like to have links to the songs that zombi-king www.zombi-king.blogspot.com and the bdawg collaborated on.

Questions

2005-10-20T22:21:00.000-04:00

I know that 3 movies or books are a trilogy. What do you call a series of 4? Because that is the rumor of how many parts there are in Trent Sherwin series. 1. Trent Sherwin and the Magical Trenchcoat 2. Young Pilgrim 3. Following the Path of Victor Newman 4. The Death and Resurrection of Trent Sherwin.

In other news, the bdawg has been plaing some free poker tourneys since the most recent return to PA and his lowest place has been 4th, which still means no money:( Either the bdawg is half-decent or damn lucky. The poll question is: Do you think the bdawg is A. half-decent B. damn lucky C. both D. a douche-bag E. other________
I want some answers.

Okay, another question. Which "newsperson" would you most like to get in the sack and explain why? My answer is Ann Coulter. She's not bad looking and although seems to be a bit of a bitch I bet she's just a demon in the sack.

Bdawg out.

Ant-cows

2005-10-11T22:11:00.000-04:00

As I stand at the urinal, urinating, I see aphids (ant-cows) all over the wall. They scream at me, "We want to be liberated from the ants!" but I can't hear them or understand them because they're fucking aphids and I don't know their language, plus they have tiny mouths anyway. I need to learn more languages and I need to improve my hearing I guess. There's nothing I could do for the aphids even if I could hear them. It's not my problem anyway. Fucking stupid, whining aphids. It pisses me off when they yell at me when I'm pissing (even if I can't hear them), because that's my time with God--it's a gift from God to me, just being able to just be for a few moments each day of my life--so fuck off aphid nation, aphid world, aphid universe. You're not welcome and I do not sympathize with your bondage at all; in fact I believe you deserve it like all of those creatures who have turned away from what is right.

Life in PA

2005-10-05T17:02:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to let everyone know, I am still alive. Had a funny weekend.

Friday--went to a get together with some peops I don't normally party with. Ingested several liquids and inhaled certain dried herbs and had a good time. The pirate party would have been fun, but this was fun as well. We watched Almost Heroes. What I remember of it was hilarious but I fell asleep. Woke up hungry--don't know why;)--and they had whipped up a big pot of chicken flavored oodles of noodles. I stared down the noodles for several minutes debating whether I should break my meat-free lifestyle. I picked up a bowl when it hit me like a heavyweight boxer that I in fact had a pair of little debbie fancy cakes in the back seat of my car, so I partook of the cakes and went home a happy happy man.

Saturday--this vegetarian democrat went to a republican pig roast. It was free and being without a job still, I thought what better place to be than at an event with a bunch of rich old white guys--which there were quite a few of. Didn't get any leads on job but i did eat quite a bit of candy corn.

Mon-Today--picking up job applications. I hate this process because they just want too much damn info and a lot of it is none of their fucking business. For example: List any periods of unemployment in the last 3 years and explain in detail why. My response is: Get bent. It's none of your fucking business. Another thing that pisses me off is that each application has a statement that you have to sign that says that they basically have all the power in the employer/employee relationship. I have to give 2 weeks when i quit, but they can fire me at anytime for any reason or no reason at all. Also, they can drug-test you at anytime during the application process and while you're working there. My response to your statement that I'm required to sign is: Go fuck yourself. If you're going to fire me, there better be a damn good reason and as far as the drug test goes, can I require my supervisors to have drug tests before they I work there and at anytime during my employment? Because if I can't that's bullshit. These are people that are going to be telling me what to do; shouldn't I be assured that they are drug free so they don't tell me to do anything thing stupid.

Tomorrow--Leaving to go to Rochester(NY) for my cousins wedding on Friday. Hopefully there will be free booze.

This weekend--IUP Homecoming!!! It's a fucking crazy time. Men have punched horses. I have had band parents swing umbrellas at me during the parade. It is a huge drunkfest that eventually will get out of control to the point that police are injured.

B-dawg out. A new post will be up next week.

Don't know much but I know I love all of you.

2005-09-26T22:18:00.000-04:00

Tis Monday September 26 and I'm still alive. Just went and saw Morgan Spurlock speak. It was pretty interesting. He seemed like a pretty cool guy but he was also a little annoying at times. I don't have much to say. My life is pretty boring so here's a short story.

"Tell me all your thoughts on God," Allison asked me. I smiled. It really gets me going when a chick simultaneously quotes song lyrics and gets philosophical on me.

"I'm serious," she said.

"That's a lot to ask."

"Yeah, but...okay. Tell me some of your thoughts on God."

"Alright. I think there are a lot of things we don't understand, like...just about everything."

She waited a minute and then responded, "Hmmm. I guess I'll keep you."

Hitchhikers aren't so bad, but guys in big Ford Trucks are.

2005-09-21T21:34:00.000-04:00

After Meaghan's wedding, I hung out with Iowa people until about 4-430. The Iowa people were pretty cool. We ended up talking about hitchhiking a little bit. On Sunday I went up to the Mr. Klint's place in Crystal and just north of Rochester I saw a guy walking along Hwy 52, so I turned around and went and picked him up. He seemed like a pretty cool guy--Ryan on his way to Bismarck. His car had broken in LaCrosse and he needed to get back for a funeral. I just planned on taking him up to the twin cities, but I ended up taking him almost to St. Cloud. Not a big deal. Well, I ended up running out of money on my way back to PA and ended up having to ask folks to borrow money. Guy #1 in his big white F-350 was a douchebag and when I explained that I was a little short on money because I'd helped a guy out, he said, "I bet you won't do that again."

I responded with, "You know I probably will. Actually, I know that I would help someone again." That guy was a fucking jackass. Guy #2 was nicer, said he'd been scammed before but gave me 50 cents. Nice empty gesture. I gave him back his 50 cents. The third person was a lady who said she didn't have cash on her, but she would've given me some if she did. Person #4 was an older mad and though I told him that I only needed $5-7, he gave me $10. What a freaking great guy to let a complete stranger borrow $10 when he asked for less. Ken was his name and God bless him for being a good guy. Also God bless the first guy--the douchebag/jackass--because that fucker needs it.

I'll try to write a better post soon. Holla!

A wild time

2005-09-13T23:01:00.000-04:00

Hello all. I went to a wild presentation yesterday featuring this guy www.brushmind.net . He did a one brushstroke painting with a "human size" paintbrush. All these people stood around and watched him sqirt a bunch of paint on a canvas and then he took the huge brush and smeared it. Everybody was so entralled and it was so ridiculous. I imagine many of the observers were thinking "okay, what's the big fucking deal" and that's what I found so wild about it. Fuck, I could do pretty much the same thing as this guy, but since he is who he is the guy attracts a lot of attention. Man was I blown away by the whole process and watching him and everyone's reaction to him and his "painting." Folks stood there for quite a while afterward and just looked at this huge smear. It was fucking awesome. Unless you experience something like it for yourself, you can't understand and even then you might not. All I have left to say is, "un-fucking believable!" You're the man Kaz.

Hello all

2005-09-09T16:14:00.000-04:00

The Bdawg has taken quite a hiatus from posting, but I just haven't felt like it and I haven't had a lot of internet access lately. For the past couple weeks I've been in Arizona working on a project with a "shaman." It's been pretty interesting following him around and taking notes and such. The opportunity came up to possibly write about him and so I jumped on it. I've had some strange experiences and although I think that a lot of what he does maybe bullshit, some of it may be legitimate. Got to try peyote for the first time--puked pretty hard, but it was an interesting experience to say the least and it's tough to explain.

I'll be up in Minnesota for Meaghan's wedding next week. It should be a good time. I'm not sure what I'll be doing after that. I may return to Arizona or I might return to PA to help my Dad build his garage. We'll see how the next week progresses. Well, I should get going. I'll post again when I get the chance. Holla!

Puke and Rally

2005-08-08T19:07:00.000-04:00

So the bachelor party for M___ went well on Saturday night. Everyone had a good time and only one person got really sick (not me). I was a little embarrassed by the fact I puked before 8PM, when the party started at 6PM. It was right in the middle of a car bomb, but I overcame adversity, cleaned up my puke and opened another beer. It was a display of the good ol' puke and rally, which I've only done once before and that was because of tequila shots. This time was a little more impressive because I in fact drank for 6 more hours following the puke incident without getting sick or experiencing a hangover.

I will be returning to the great state of Minnesota in like 2 weeks, so watch out for me. I could show up anywhere at anytime after that. Well, that's about it and i guess this is almost like a real blog post. I suck.

Happy August!!!

2005-08-02T21:36:00.000-04:00

Today is the second day of August, and do you know what that means? It means that the steel of a gun barrel won't be so cold on my lips. It's gonna be a hot one I reckon and that's okay, because it means that I will be wearing the ol' wife-beater quite a bit and I have to admit that I kind of look like a badass in it, even more badass than Youdubber (where ever that magnificent bastard is--if you're out there youdubber, give me some love). August also brings sweet corn, a very well liked food by the Bdawg. It tastes like happy.

So does anyone have any good stories from this summer? If you do, please feel free to put them in the comment section here. Have a happy August and watch out for spiders; they're goddam everywhere.

Delivering

2005-07-30T15:49:00.000-04:00

Delivering flowers sounds like an easy job. It sounds like an easy job, but it fucking isn't. Some days I have to drive into some tough neighborhoods where kids have guns and pitbulls. I always carry the steel and it's a good thing because on occasion I have to use it. For instance about 2 months ago I had to deliver to this little old lady on the 7th floor of an apartment building. The bdawg rolls in driving a rusty grey 1990 Chevy stationwagon and these fucking haters are on the steps of the building just hating on me like it's their job. I just walk past saying nothing and give a little snarl. The delivery to Mrs. R____ goes well; I sing her happy birthday and all is fine until I get back down to the outside steps.

Those motherfuckin' haters are on jumping up and down on the hoodof the wagon so I yell, "Hey, would you please get the fuck off my car?"

They laugh disrectfully and one yells, "Would you please suck a dick?"

So I yell back, "I've already hit my quota for the day, but you grandmother said that she could use a little more c__ after she got done with me. She's the bitch on 7th floor. Mrs. R____, right?"

This was a mistake. How was I to know that my delivery actually was to his grandmother? Things got a little rowdy after that and I ended up pulling out the steel. That was the only thing that got me out of there alive, though I did get my ass beat 3 days later by the same group of guys, but I countered that by planting heroin on them. Mrs. R____'s grandson and his friends shouldn't be out of prison for another 10 years or so... or maybe more since the cops also found child pornography on his computer and in his wallet. Don't ask me how I got it in his wallet. I've got ways.

So don't think of flower delivery as a safe, easy job, because it's not. Sometimes it's tough and sometimes payback is a bitch.

Any scenario that has happened which sounds similar to this one is not the same, so don't find me and beat my ass.

I've got 5 questions. Give me some answers.

2005-07-26T20:50:00.000-04:00

This blog post is one of questions.

Does anyone have any good ideas for a bachelor party? I'm pretty stumped, other than I know we'll get lots of beer and probably some chewing tobacco and cigars.

What would be a good job for me to pursue based on my outstanding qualities and my not so outstanding qualities? I can't survive delivering flowers forever and I will be moving again within a month.

Does anyone else get a a tear or 2 in their eye, when hearing Travelin' Soldier by the Dixie Chicks or am I just a big sissy?

Is there another person in this world that looks quite as sexy with a beard as I do? Seriously, I look fucking good.

Who let the dogs out? I'm sorry; it just never gets old. The Baja Men were geniuses.

Stuck in the Middle

2005-07-18T20:30:00.000-04:00

Sara and Mike had been gone for a while. I wondered what they were doing. I also wondered how I could steal their stuff and get away with it. As I looked out the window across the lake, I saw God's own reflection.

"God, what should I do?" I asked.

"Get a fucking job!" he responded.

God could be blunt at times. His son was way cooler. Jesus(Spanish pronunciation) and I had played ball together growing up and shared a common affinity for pumpkin seeds. As we grew older Jesus and I took separate paths. He became the savior of the world and I just dreamt of it, as I worked shit job after shit job and mooched off my parents.

Rumor had it that Jesus was thinking of going into retirement with his bad knees and all. I could just smell my opportunity to finally make something of my life.

I'm doing ok

2005-07-07T17:45:00.000-04:00

So I hooked up with this girl the other night. She was pretty hot and shit, tall with long, toned legs and sizeable breasts. The bitch loved all 9 inches--What am I saying? It's all a lie! I haven't even smelled a girl's hair for months. The Bdawg should be called the Bbitch, because that's all he is. I'm sorry to disappoint all of my fans out there, all 2 or 3 people who actually read this, but I'm just a pathetic little man with a pathetic little life.

I wrote a poem and here it is:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Hopefully there isn't
a gun in your mouth too.

Ok, here's another poem:

Violets are blue
Roses are red
If you're like me
You wish you were dead

That's all I got today. I'll try to keep this blog updated the best I can, unless I'm dead or in a drug induced coma or something like that.

So yeah...

2005-07-05T15:53:00.000-04:00

Hello all,

The Bdawg is going to speak now, so you damn sure better listen.

There have been some rumors floating around about me and don't think that I'm not going to hear them. There's a nasty one floating around about an incident that happeneded in Warroad. I didn't do it and I had no knowledge of it, so we can put an end to that one.

As for the second rumor about that thing I supposedly contracted, well that isn't true either. There was never even an opportunity for me to contract that thing, so all you bitches who said that I did, well you guys can go screw yourselves.

There is a third rumor floating around and I have to put that to rest as well. If I was the messiah, I wouldn't travel into everyone's home through water pipes anyway. That's just stupid, because how would I be able to punish the heathens who lack indoor plumbing. God, whoever started that rumor is a fucking idiot. Plus God said that he'd never detsroy the earth with water again. The next time will be fire, so the third rumor is untrue as well.

The fourth rumor about me supposedly being scheduled to play at that event, well nobody has ever contacted me about it, so why the hell would I perform. God, some people are such idiots. Those some people are the one who are starting all this shit with me. Well, that's about it. Hopefully, I've cleared somethings up and please quit starting these preposterous rumors because it's very irritating.

Back to MN

2005-06-10T16:08:00.000-04:00

Hello All, The Bdawg is just writing to let you know that he will be returning to Minnesota in the next couple of days. I still have not chosen a life path and have had three close friends disclose that they are ruining their lives by getting married since I returned to PA. Enough about the boring stuff.

So I recently went hiking trip to Georgia. I actually liked Georgia except for the sasquatches. I traveled down there to go on an expedition with a group of people who were investigating some strange happenings in the North Georgia mountains. The landscape is beautiful. Well, we took off into the woods, a couple professional sasquatch hunters, a team of scientists, and several amateur sasquatch enthusiasts (I was one of the amatuers). The hike took 2 days to go into a remote part of the forest. It was pretty intense and the folks were nice. I started to become pretty friendly with one of the scientists. Her name was Roberta and pretty smoking (about 5' 10", with long black hair, a nice rack and legs that went on for eternity plus an hour. Everything was good until we found this open grove in the forest with quite a few mounds. Being curious, we dug up a couple of the mounds and we found these strange skulls, almost apelike, but with more human qualities. It seemed as if we had found substantial evendence of the existence of sasquatches, so we decided to keep some of the skulls and head back out with our find. This is when things got hairy (no pun intended). People from our party started disappearing. We were not alone, so we hurriedly sped out of the forest. It seemed that the sasquatches were grabbing a new vitcim every hour or two. Finally, it was only me and Roberta. We held each other tenderly, knowing that we probably weren't going to make it out alive. That's when a sasquatch ripped her from my arms, but instead of running away, I decided to give chase.

To be continued...

2005-05-09T19:35:00.000-04:00

These are my two saviors from the other night, Tipper on the left and Cowboy Curt on the right. If it wasn't for them I might be dead right now.

2005-05-09T19:33:00.000-04:00

This a picture that was taken of the bdawg after Tipper got me to come to with the smelling salts. Jesse is an absolute badass.

Be careful who you bump into

2005-05-07T04:51:00.000-04:00

I apologize that my last post was so lame. This one should be an improvement and it has to do with violence.

So the other night I was at a party with about 8 other guys. It was to be a fighting party. We had a keg of Coors and decided that we were going to finish it. Hans declined the beer for white russians, because he's cool like that, so it was a keg for 8 guys. Halfway through the keg, things started to get rowdy; guns were taken out of car trunks; beer muscles began to grow. Jeremy and I tussled a little bit. It was good fun and I thought that the rough-housing was done.

I was wrong. Accidentally, I bumped into Jesse.

"Hey sorry dude," I said embarrassed.
"What the hell Bdawg!"
"I'm sorry. I'll go get you another one."
"Fuck you!" he yelled.
"What can I do for you man?"
"Well, first could you go get me some antibiotics to fight the gonorrhea I got from your dad."

This was a low blow, considering my family situation. Since the divorce, my dad developed a sex addiction and has been treated for gonorrhea 3 times. He has sex with lots of prostituyes. So I pull out my switch to cut Jesse and before I can slice him, the fucker cold-cocks me in the temple with the left and catches me with a right to the nose on the way down. I was unconscious until Tipper got some smelling salts to me.

After I regained consciousness, I tried to cut Jesse again, but he took my knife away from me, put it up to my neck, threatened to kill me. And he would have if it was not for Cowboy Curt.

"I wouldn't try that if I was you," CC said as he drew his .357 on Jesse. Jesse dropped the knife and I ran like hell to my car and decided to drive home, half out of fear, the other half out of embarassment. On the way home I ended up flipping the car, but I'm okay and then I found five bucks on the ground, so maybe the whole thing happened for a reason.

Kentucky Derby field loaded with speed

2005-05-06T16:41:00.000-04:00

I saw the above headline under the news section on yahoo and thought it was a story about the use of performance-enhancing drugs in horse-racing, but then I read the article and I guess there are just a lot of fast horses this year, which isn't near as interesting.

Jolt--CX2

2005-04-27T03:51:00.000-04:00

Surprisingly, I haven't written about this yet. There is one soft drink out there that stands above the rest and it is Jolt. This is a company that I have to believe has put all their time and effort into packaging to try to make a buck. The Bdawg has to admit that he is sold. I mean look at the can. It's pretty fucking slick. I wish that I would have designed it. Jolt's cans are also a sign of power. People think twice about messing with you when you've got a can in your hand. Take a look at it again. It's just absolutely badass. I admit I was scared to open it at first. I put on a pair of gloves and made everyone move out of a fifty yard radius. That is how dangerous Jolt looks. After opening the can I was amazed to see this slight fog float out of the can. Yeah, Jolt should be commended for being able to take in suckers like the Bdawg. If you want to try it out, if you're brave enough pick some up at Simonson's, the gas station by Burger King, katty-cornered to Applebee's. The only downside to Jolt is the price, $1.99 + tax for 23.5 fl. oz. Also my sperm production may be permanently altered, but that's a chance I had to take.

2005-04-27T03:39:00.000-04:00

Awesome packaging

Green Eyes

2005-04-25T02:28:00.000-04:00

Listening to "Green Eyes" by Coldplay right now and I've decide to post. I thought about posting about putting a gun in my mouth or something, but zombi-king http://zombi-king.blogspot.com/ has made it clear that I only get 15-20 suicide references and I've about hit my quota, so I guess that I'll write about something else.

So I went to the bar the other night and decided to do shots. It isn't my normal style. I'm usually a pansy, drinking margaritas and such, but this night I wasn't. I had 3 shots of tequila, 4 shots of southern, 4 shots of captain, and then 2 shots of jager. It got me pretty drunk, considering it was in the period of 2 1/2 hours. I staggered back from the bar and sat in my room wondering what the heck I was doing, so I decided that I wanted one more shot. I had trouble figuring out what I wanted for the final shot of the evening. Maybe Jim Beam? No. How about Bacardi? Nope. Maybe another shot of tequila to finish the night. No, I wanted something else. What would be the best shot to end the night with. Ah yes, I thought as I sat on my floor, tears starting to flow from my eyes. The last shot that I wanted to put in my mouth that night was a shot of lead, so I searched my room for the lead, but alas it was nowhere to be found.

Leaving

2005-04-20T02:25:00.000-04:00

The days are winding down for me here in Bemidji, so I've been drinking a lot. Where will the Minnesota Man with the Pennsylvania penis go? You probably have as good of an idea as I do. Before I leave Bemidji, there are a couple things that I do want to accomplish and one of them is finishing my music album. 2 tracks are done, one more is written and I have a good feeling about the rest of the album. I hope to have a link on here in the near future, so that you can get a taste of it. When I'm famous and shit you guys will all be like "hey I knew bdawg" and someone in my posse will ask me, "hey did you know that guy," and I'll say, "Who's____?" Yeah, that's harsh, but that's how I roll, so fucking deal with it!

I've had good times here, but alas I need to leave and head toward greener grass. My parents always told me "the grass is greenest over the septic tank," so we'll see how going toward greener grass turns out. I'll try to keep the blog going after I leave, but I might end up hitchhiking or joining a commune or being homeless in a city or something. Who knows? All I know is one thing and it is this: You will all fucking miss me and if you don't then I guess you're just a major douche bag.

Speaking of leaving, a great leaving song just started playing on my computer, Cruz by Christina Aguilera. Yeah, call me a pussy. I don't care. The song rocks. Well, I think that the bdawg has written enough for this session. I appreciate comments no matter how stupid or arrogant they are, because it just makes you look like an ass, not me (I've already done that).

Blogging

2005-04-13T06:33:00.000-04:00

Hey bloggers!

Posting several times a day makes me less likely to read your blog and more likely to miss any interesting post that you may happen to write. Just an observation from a guy that just posted twice in the same half hour.

Not just a vagina(no this isn't about Hans)

2005-04-13T06:03:00.000-04:00

The bdawg is growing up some(maybe) in a good way and it's about freaking time. Most of my posts are light-hearted, but this one is a little more serious so I apologize to readers looking for something lighter.

I gave up meat and now I'm giving up pornography. I don't know if pornography is a contributing factor to what I see as are fucked up attitudes about sexuality and women, or just a reflection of the society. It may be both. Sex can be pretty freakin' cool and beautiful, but I think that we as a society need to examine how healthy our views on sex are. I mean we live in a country where I can find numerous sites of guys slapping women in the face during blowjobs, women in obvious pain as they're getting god knows what done to them for money. The female body is beautiful as is the male body, as are sexual acts. Why the hell do we do what we do to make them not as special? Women are more than boobs and a vagina. Men are more than cocks(usually). Every woman that you see getting slapped in the face is somebody's daughter, not just some bitch that needs the cock. These women are people, not just soul-less pieces of flesh. They laugh; they fart; they think about stuff. Women aren't just fuck toys. Men aren't either. Think about this next time you look at porn, or try to get some ass, or pressure or force someone into doing something that they don't want to do.

Gotta give up the beefs yo

2005-04-09T06:29:00.000-04:00

I've noticed an alarming situation recently in the blog world. There is a new cyber-rivalry between the authors of two prominent blogs, Walking Backwards http://samoya.blogspot.com/, and Youdubber http://youdubber.blogspot.com/. What happened is that the author of Walking Backwards wrote some comments on Youdubber's blog. These comments could be taken in a way in which the author of Walking Backwards kind of sounds like a pompous jackass (I still love ya Jon). After reading the comments, Youdubber fired back by posting an infuriated response on Walking Backwards, in which he may have gone a little psycho. The author of Walkiing Backwards and also the author of Non Compos Mentis fired back comments at Youdubber on Walking Backwards subsequently.

All sides need to stop the madness, stop the hate before someone gets hurt. I don't want this to turn out like that Biggy and Tupac thing, because it's virtually the same situation. Well, maybe it's not the same situation, but Biggy and Youdubber are both kind of fat so there are some similarities. Stop the immature comments, because it makes you guys look like real douchebags and trust me, Bdawg knows a thing or two about being a douchebag.

Summer

2005-04-06T03:14:00.000-04:00

Anyone have suggestions on what I should do this summer? I guess I'm kinda droppin' out of school, so I'm open to lots of different ideas.

Speaking of summer, I'm reminded of the summer of 1996. I was 17 and I had a fastest car of any kid in Indiana County. It was red and I was a king. My father warned me that if I kept on racing my car that I'd get myself in trouble or killed. I shrugged him off as 17 year-old kids do, but he was right. On July 30, I drove over to Armstrong County to race. There were no challengers and I stopped off at a bar that we'll leave unnamed. They served my underage ass and the next thing I know, I was hammered and talking shit to the locals, which they didn't take kindly to. It's all blurry now, but I vaguely remember being hit in the back of the head with a beer mug and then in the temple with a claw hammer. They tell me that I dispatched of 8 guys before I was hit. My buddy Jeff dragged me out to the car and got me the fuck out of there. He was scared as I lay unconscious, so he drove me to the hospital. It's a good thing, because soon after I got there I was in cardiac arrest. My heart stopped and I was technically dead. They called my parents and I guess that my mother damn near had a heart attack. The doctors had given up hope and I lay there dead for 45 minutes, but the story doesn't end there. I watched as everyone stood around my body, thinking that it was all crazy, that they were all insane, because I was still alive. As the doctors left the room, my spirit reentered my body and I sat up straight and said, "What seems to be the problem here?" and then I fell back down and had a seizure. I was in the hospital for over a week. No one really knows how I survived but I did. After that I quit driving my fast car and I also decided to not drink again. It was one hell of an ordeal, but you know what I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Turtle Boxers

2005-03-29T23:59:00.000-05:00

I have a brand new pair of boxers with turtles on them, that I’ve been putting off wearing for a special occasion. It’s been several months since I bought them and nothing special enough has happened. They’re just boxers for God’s sake. I could understand if it was a new suit or tux or something. Occasions special enough to wear those are rare, but boxers with turtles—come on something should have come up that I deemed special enough. It’s not even that they’re that cute of turtles. They’re just fucking turtles—not that they’re copulating, I just felt the need to use a fucking expletive before them. I've become enough of a loser that I'm complaining about not wearing turtle boxers. Well you know what? I'll just quit wearing boxers until an occasion special enough comes along. How about that? You guys like that? Yeah, I thought you liked that.

Just listening to some records.

2005-03-27T23:09:00.000-05:00

Listening to records is probably one of the best things to do in the world. I should be doing other things after enjoying the beautiful day earlier, but really "should I have to do certain things?" We spend too much time doing what we should instead of what's right to us, so I started out with Eric Clapton, next threw on an instrumental album, followed that with Joni Mitchell, and now I'm listening to Queen. Damn, I wish that I could sing like Freddy Mercury. After Queen, I think that it's going to be The Mamas And The Papas. Who knows after that? Maybe I'll actually do some work or maybe not. We let others control our actions too much. Maybe I'll just move into a shack in the middle of the woods or the city and I'll do whatever I want to, but probably not.

Robot

2005-03-25T20:52:00.000-05:00

So I'm listening to a little Tom Waits right now ya'll, just chillin' on a Friday night. I think that there may be some Mac Guyver action in my future, but for right now it's just me giving you your short-term bdawgblog fix and most of you probably need one with as long as it's been since my last post, which wasn't much of a post at all. Here's an anectdote for you from my life:

I actually bought a robot while I was back in pennsylvania a week or so ago. It's pretty cool. The robot runs on solar power, and also love. You may be thinking, "What the hell does this robot do?" Well it does robot things like eat garbage, fold laundry and give me handjobs. The laundry and garbage functions are pretty cool and I was thinking that handjobs aren't all that bad, but you have to understand that robot handjobs are well just awful. First off, looking into a robot's eyes to see that they're really trying to pleasure you is tough. Robots don't have souls, just like prostitutes, but they feign excitement in a much worse way and trust me I've been with at least 117 prostitutes. So yeah, robot handjobs offer no emotional connection, plus robots are metal. Cold titanium rubbing on my wang is not a good time. I've been trying to turn off the handjob function, but I can't. Trying actually made it worse and the thing tries to give me handjobs like 12 times a day. There's not much that's worse than a robot grabbing your crotch at 3 in the morning and the robot is relentless. I say, "No robot. No handjob. I'm sleeping" and it says in this high, grainy robot voice, " You know you want it. You're dirty. You're gonna give it up, you little slut Bdawg." If the robot doesn't stop this I'm going to have to get rid of it, because I've had to start wearing a cup. Yeah, that sucks.

So that's what's going on in bdawg land. Stay tuned for more posts.

Alarming headline

2005-03-08T04:38:00.000-05:00

I read this headline, Bolton Tapped to Be Next U.N. Ambassador, and I was really confused for a minute until I read the article. It’s not Michael Bolton, but probably some other no talent ass clown I guess.

Vote

2005-03-04T04:26:00.000-05:00

Vote for your favourite post, sentence, phrase, etc. thus far on BdawgBlog. Also vote for the dumbest thing that I've written so far(lots of choices).

Top 5

2005-03-04T04:21:00.000-05:00

So I watched High Fidelity tonight or last night by now. I really forgot how much that movie rocks. It got me to thinking what my top 5’s are.

Top 5 Guilty Pleasure Songs

Africa by Toto
A Summer Song by Chad and Jeremy
Red Rubber Ball by The Cyrkle
La Isla Bonita by Madonna
Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes

That’s all I got right now. Readers of BdawgBlog are more than welcome to respond with their own top 5’s in most anything.

Another great post

2005-03-01T23:46:00.000-05:00

So yeah, another post, another night, another dollar, another baller. Here is a poem that comes my soul. Enjoy!

The metaphor of my life
is the darkness of the air
not seen
in the kingdom of the Almighty

I scream and yet
loudness over comes the stillness
of the flag some man died for
100 years ago

Pronounce my name
and the snow
will remember your soul
keep silent
and the rain will forget you existed

Glass is only clear when it's not opaque
Keep glass clear for goodness sake

Madvillain

2005-03-01T22:57:00.000-05:00

Right now, I'm giving Madvillainy a second listen. Like any of you really care, but to keep with the spirit of the blog I have to announce things to everyone that they really don't care about.

With that said, I like to say that I'm killin' all you jive turkey bloggers out there. I'm not gonna name any names but most of you got nothin' when it comes down to it. I'll play you like Wetootwaag plays a set of Scottish bagpipes.

Blah

2005-02-28T05:38:00.000-05:00

The man just goes blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Mini-rant that lacks any significance at all. What it basically does is waste space available on the web; more importantly it wastes people's time.

2005-02-28T05:37:00.000-05:00

Wow, just dozed off before I even started typing. This is going to be an exciting entry. I can tell. So what's up with the world sucking and stuff? God exists(I think), but he/she/it shows little sign of being all powerful and/or all loving. That's for fucking sure. It's a wonder that more individuals don't put the gun in their mouth and squeeze the fucking trigger, especially living in a world of such complacency. I guess that many of us are just giant pussies. This guy will bitch about stuff, but rarely does a blessed thing in reaction. I'll just sit on the outside and eat some fucking peanut butter eggs while life continues and my ass gets even fatter. That's the American way. I'm part of the white middle class. Nobody's putting it in my ass too rough, because I'm too busy paying attention to distractions. It's just easier that way I guess. I find little satisfaction in many aspects of my life, but I'm getting enough food and I have a place to live. I should be grateful for having the privileges that I have being white and a man and shit like that, but as I often have displayed I am an ungrateful little bitch.

Cleverosity killed Joe Mama

2005-02-23T02:40:00.000-05:00

I spend way too much damn time trying to be clever. I also spend too much time worrying about the small, asinine things in life. Saying this, it makes sense that I have a blog to project my shortcomings from my innards onto a machine and then off into the universe called the internet. It seems like everyone else has one, no matter how unimportant and uninteresting their lives are. I think that that may be the horror and also the beauty of the blog. The blog is like reality tv, except most of the people on those shows are pretty. I am not, but I just bought a hat that makes me look a little sexier. I’m sure that my purchase interests all of you out there (if anyone even reads this babbling brook of bullshit). Here’s some more pointless info.: I just brushed my teeth and took a dump. I thought of days of yore and how clever I am, while on the can.

Do you want some more info. about me? I scanned my computer yesterday and I had 2 infected files. The computer erased one when prompted, but it would not erase the other. Well Good Lord, what kind of file was it? My first guess, my assumed guess was some porn site, so I traced my way through My Computer to the infected file somethingsomething.Matthew[1]. htm. When I checked it out to see what page it was, I was surprised, because instead of being like a picture of a big cock, it was some Matthew McConaughey fan club site. I don’t know why I visited there at some point, but I guess I did and it gave me some type of adware shit. Matthew Mc-fucking-Conaughey, who would’ve imagined? And no, I did not masturbate to that site!!! I know that’s what you are all thinking or not, and even if I did that’s my prerogative and he’s a pretty decent-looking guy. God, you people are so judgmental!!!

I’m wearing the stupid hat while I type by the way—and that’s all. It’s okay, because I have a towel draped over my chair, just in case my ass leaks or something like that. Well, this cowboy is going to sign off. I’m going to sleep a little bit and then do other arbitrary things that you don’t care about.

My final days

2005-02-21T06:08:00.000-05:00

I am killing myself. That’s what I say to my glorious self as I overindulge in my near endless supply of junkfood and internet pornography. *INSERT* I stopped typing already to partake of Baked Tostitos of the Original Bite Size variety. *END INSERT* Surrounded by consumer goods, I sit half-content and half-defeated, but wholly moronic and weak. My Christ-complex delusions still overwhelm my easily influenced soul these days, but I’m easily distracted away from it by *INSERT* I stopped typing yet again. This time it was to pour some ice cold Dr. Pepper down my throat. *END INSERT* most things including “news” “sports” “women” and other “random things.” Too often I find myself overusing quotes and babbling about nothing important. I tell stories from days of yore over and over again. I am content to complain about any variety of subjects without getting off my fat-ass or skinny-mind for even a fraction of a second. *INSERT* This is my last insert due to the massive amount of stops and starts and distractions throughout this piece. Inserting every time I stop to eat, drink, or look at pornography would shirley become annoying in a hurry. *END INSERT* So I got this prayer rug in the mail several weeks ago. It promises to heal me, to save my Uncle Fred, to give me $5,000 and a handjob, if I pray with it and then send it back to some P.O. Box in Tulsa, Oklahoma with a donation. My guess is that if I don’t do this, I will be afflicted with gimpy nuts syndrome or some shit like that. You know what though? I probably deserve to be punished with gimpy nuts syndrome and I plan on milking gimpy nuts syndrome for all its worth. I won’t be able to get it fixed, because I lack health insurance but I’m gonna have a hell of a good time mooching off strangers and also friends and acquaintances. It will probably be more rewarding than what would happen if I did use the prayer rug properly. The rug is a fucking piece of paper for Christ’s sake (at least they’ve tried to fool me into thinking that it’s for Christ’s sake, but I doubt that Christ is going to pull down the fat stacks like the nameless “Christians” that send out the prayer rugs. Their names are so hard to find that they’ll probably be denied entry into the kingdom of God at the rapture, because they were so low-profile that they didn’t even want to be listed in the Lamb’s book of life.) Anyway, so as I’m dying of gimpy nuts syndrome, I’ll make a sentimental plea on television to have my one last wish granted. People will come flocking to help me. They’ll just throw money at me and ask me what my final wish is. I’ll think about it long and hard, concentrating on what will be the best thing for me to do. The hundreds of donors will wait in anticipation over my decision and you know what I’ll ask for? I’ll ask to go swim with killer whales or something stupid like that, because I’m pretty fucking uncreative. The donors will smile and nod and hug me and pledge to help me fulfill my dream on the six’ o’clock news. While some local station or if I make a big enough deal, some national news network airs the story, marine-biologists and semi-intelligent people everywhere will laugh their asses off because they know that the fat guy with gimpy nuts syndrome is going to die sooner than later. Some rich guy will hire an IMAX film crew to film my dramatic journey to swim with the orcas. The IMAX crew will follow me around for the entire process. They’ll interview me and my family and friends and the donors, but they will keep their distance in the water. Finally, the day will come for me to swim with the killer whales and the ships crew will send me down into the frigid ocean water with a bucket of penguin meat or some shit like that. The camera will film bleeps of a killer whale on the boats giant fishfinder (though whales are mammals). The bleep will get closer and closer as I tread water in anticipation of my glorious experience. The camera crew will zoom out to the incoming orca and then back to my smiling face. The shots will go back and forth, back and forth, until the killer whale is finally there right up on me. I’ll extend my arm to the side with the penguin meat and the orca will just bite my whole fucking arm off along with the meat. The crew will zoom in on my terrified face as the crew attempts to pull me out of the water, but the whale will get one of my legs as well before they get me out of the water. As the medical crew works to save me, the rich donor guy will ask me if I regret anything and I’ll say, “I regret lots of things, masturbating so much, letting myself get fat, not contributing anything of use to the world, but the thing I regret most of all is not sending that prayer rug back. I’m sorry that I let you down Saint Matthew’s Churches. I’m sorry that I let you down God.” It will be at this moment that I will give up the ghost, but my legacy will live on with that IMAX movie, horrifying schoolchildren in theaters and making learned people across the globe chuckle daily as the bootlegged copy circulates on the internet.

2005-02-10T18:35:00.000-05:00

How tight are your pants? Mine are loose with room in the ass, 'cause that's how I roll.

Back by Unpopular Demand

2005-02-10T01:39:00.000-05:00

Ode to the politicians and the system we allow to control us and keep us down

East to the west, south to the north
just rocked your expletive back and forth
bringin' more juice than a juicamatic
got my automatic gonna make you suffer post-traumatic
expletive syndrome. Got dome from your expletive
Switch your name-izzle to g-fizzle you expetive-ing squirt-jizzle
Ain't gonna stop with that
Ain't gonna stop the rap
Gonna stop the crap
from rainin' down on our mother expletive-ing heads
Don't tread on us people
Red people, white people, brown people
We're all down people
Need to raise a sound people
from the nation of clown people
Bozos from the right wing of the aisle
Poor people on the wrong side of the trial
And denial from all that there's a problem here
Only lazy people on welfare
Only gay people have AIDS here
Poor people not making lemonade out of lemons here
The fear of God keeps them from stirring
Yeah Jesus would've bent over too while the lube was applied
(hope you understand the sarcasm implied)
The lies and ties and spies that they try to implement all over the world
our nation
our neighborhood
Is there any good still left
In the system that remains and compares wars to games
and makes whores of dames
that have tough decisions to make
in the wake of an accident
mr. president I resent the people that you represent
and sent you back to the house that's ironically white
I might have thought that was funny a few years back
but now it makes me sick because your lies are black
and you attack anyone who doesn't have your back
In fact you make sure the deck is stacked
against anyone who doesn't fit under traditional "Christian" morals
I implore us all to examine what that means
It seems that Christ hated and hates anyone with tolerance

Jesus, save us from the people who claim you the loudest
from the ones who proclaim you the proudest
To blaspheme is their theme and scheme
I dream of the day their routine
is seen as the evil that it really is.

Heart Attack

2005-01-26T20:25:00.000-05:00

It's been a while, but I'm back to the blog. I just didn't feel like writing anything for like a month. Listening to The Shins Chutes Too Narrow right now. It's pretty expletive-ing good. So what to write about tonight.

I was looking in the mirror yesterday and realized I'm getting a lot chubby. I like to blame my Dad because he's pretty much a fat expletive too and it's going to be a race between the two of us to a heart attack. It's probably a long shot, but I bet I'll have a heart attack first--most likely in a bathhouse in Japan at age 29. It'll be a bathhouse with lots of hot, naked Japanese chicks and I'll be naked too and the Japanese chicks will be shocked to see an American with such a small expletive. My fun at the bathhouse will just be about done and my naked body will emerge from the warmth of the water and my body will glisten in soft light of a single lightbulb. At this moment my face will flash the peaceful smile of the Buddha and I will fall back into the water, dead of a heart attack. Three days later I will attempt to raise myself from the dead, but I will not, because I am not the Christ that you always thought I was.

Time to relax

2004-12-17T21:28:00.000-05:00

Listening to a little Christina Aguilera right now. Oh laugh it up expetives! It's good stuff. So what's up with this whole internet thing? Really guys. I plug this contraption made out of plastic and metal and god knows what else into a special hole in my wall and it gives me instant access to this imaginary world that seems oh so real. WTF? If I try to plug myself into the same hole, I hurt myself, but I can touch the cotraption and I'm ok...or am I. I think that this machine is causing me to become more of a loser than I already am. Pretty soon I'll be as big of a loser as H*** or S****** or J*******. These guys know who they are or do they? Does anyone truly understand or know anything about themselves? Who knows?

Who cares?

All of you don't. You're all just hoping for a stupid anecdote or poem that just totally rocks. You don't care about the madness behind it. You just want the expletive-ing goods. I'm your personal J**** for a couple minutes while you sit on your lazy expletive, like one reader said, "until the next barrage of porn loads." If reading this is your most exciting and entertaining moment between porn downloads then your life sucks. Oh yeah, it sucks bad. You're a maggot--no actually worse--you're an expletive pimple on a maggot(if they have pimples). Oh yeah, keep on reading. Read on about how much of a loser you are, wasting your time when you could be doing something better. I'm not playing anymore. Every post will hopefully bring all of you closer to death, because to be honest the world would be better without you. Here's a poem for you BdawgBlog junkies:

Roses are red
I am a loser
You are my God
I am a loser

If you don't understand the "I" in that poem is YOU, loser. Are you crying yet? That's what I thought--you need to have a soul left to cry, but most of you left back on jizzhutonmybutt.com. That may even be a site that exists and some of you have looked at for all I know. If you've gotten this far though the blog without doing the right thing, either getting off you're expletive or calling a crisis hotline, here's some more poop to imbibe. Imbibe it like you like to eat poop, bacause you do. I think that I'm about done for the evening. You losers don't deserve any more of Bdawg's time. Have a nice night-- loser!

The Sun

2004-12-17T02:44:00.000-05:00

The sun never passes by if you you don't give it a chance
I'll never stop loving all that is holy in your pleasure nest
My heart beats like cops in the heart of my chest
The sun never asked us why we never had a dance
Together

The sun hates my soul
And I wish the sun would expletive-ing die
And expletive-ing fall out of the sky
You did me wrong sun
You
did
me
wrong.

Taking a walk on a snowy night

2004-12-10T13:09:00.000-05:00

Earlier tonight I took a walk around town. T****** took my car, so when I got back from class I had no wheels. I needed to go get some food, so I put on my hat and gloves and went for a walk. I walked from campus to the downtown area. The light from the streetlamps reflected off of the snow to illuminate the air like their was a light dusting of heaven omnipresent. I had been a little down, but the true light of God filled the soft streets of my walk.

On my way back, I decided to travel along the lake. All was calm as I passed house after house until a dog started barking. The harsh throat sounds resonated past my ears across the lake. I cringed and turned only to see the dog jump over the fence and race toward me. The burning fire of its soul showed as its eyes glowed in hateful passion. I started to run, but I knew that I couldn't get away. I had to make a stand, a stand against the evil that this hell-hound possessed. My body changed directions and I faced the dog. As it lept through the air to try to destroy me I steadied myself and then caught it with a firm kick to the throat. He was injured and backed up a little bit and then charged again and again I connected, except this time I struck my fierce foe in the ribs. He yelped and retreated to regroup. A front porch light turned on and a small-framed, young girl with pigtails (who looked like an angel) emerged from the front door. She yelled, "No Bandit, No!!!" The dog recognizing her voice went into a furious charge at me to protect her. As Bandit bounded at me I steadied my self for the impact and as he was about to bite me, I connected my fist against his temple. There was a loud thud as Bandit collapsed to the ground, lifeless.

The little girl gasped and a tear materialized from the corner of her eye and turned to ice as it struck the frozen ground. I looked at her and then the dog. My soul twinged at the thought of what to do next. I picked up the dog and carried it over to the porch and laid it down. She dropped to her knees, hugged her inanimate dog, and cried. I stood there motionless beside the porch. The streets had lost that cherubic glow, as had I. She looked up at me silent, her face looking for an answer. All I could say was, "He was trying to save you. Bandit loved you." I walked away, feeling like less of a man, but also knowing that I did what I had to do. The dog was evil and I had taught the little angel a lesson in life, because life is fleeting and you never know when it can leave you, especially when you mess with me. God bless you Bandit. May the devil be merciful to you.

I hope that everyone has a great time this las weekend before finals. Keep reading, because my life and my blog are a story you don't wnat to miss.

Adding some depth, adding my soul

2004-12-08T17:39:00.000-05:00

I was waxing on my blog earlier today and I got to thinking that maybe I should put some of my super-cool poetry on here, because there is a softer side that many of you may not see when just reading my adventures, which I have to say are uber-cool and uber-manly. Here is a taste of the rest of my soul. May it resonate on your tongue and in your mind like jasmine extracted from a lotus held in the palm of a sage zen-master from Tibet.

Losing My Best Friend

How does it go from you to me
When I see what I see
And you no longer look at me

The danger of losing my heart is to
My soul like a bunch of gobbilly-goo
And our meetings have become few

You were my friend but now you suck
And frankly now I don’t really give a expletive
About you or your bitchin’ dodge truck

So it’s time to say goodbye
I gave it a heck of a try
But you gave my soul a black eye
I hope you expletive-ing die.

That poem was about the rift between the United States and Europe over the war in Iraq. I think that it’s uber-good and I’m sure that you did too. Here’s another poem that I wrote.

Black

Your hat was black.
My soul was black.
I wish that I could take it back.

I was drunk on whiskey and beer.
You ran from my house in utter fear
After that I took a look in the mirror
And I saw ugliness to the hilt.
I was filled with utter guilt.
My soul was a hateful quilt
That I later repatched with love
That I got from above

Amishman, I’m sorry!
I’m very, very sorry

This poem is related to an earlier anecdote on my blog about the last time I got drunk. Drink responsibly or you could hurt someone.

Well, that’s it for this entry. I going to go do some squat-thrusts. Keep reading this blog in the future or you’ll miss out on the phenomena called BdawgBlog. Yesterday, I had more hits than the NRA, CIA, and RIAA websites combined. This blog rocks and don’t forget it or you’re stupid and God hates stupid people.

We all have love except when we don't

2004-12-07T02:42:00.000-05:00

It's come to my attention that I already have the most popular blog on the web after like a day and it really makes me feel warm inside, like sharing a blanket with whatever floozie I happen to end up with on a cold Minnesota night. To all my fans, I'll keep on writing because that's just what the great spirit compels me to do. I feel like the universe is speaking to us all through each keystroke that I enter. God bless all of you, even those of you who might be godless hippies. I love you guys too. So all of you probably want to read another anecdote from my uber-interesting life. Well, here it is.

One day I was hiking in the Catskills (just this last summer in fact), when I saw a path that went straight into a shear cliff on the side of a mountain. My companion M***and I decide to take the trail. We got to mountain and looked up. To our surprise there was a rainbow there. It was the most beautiful thing that I've seen.

Sobering Memories

2004-12-07T00:28:00.000-05:00

So yeah, I'm just chillin' here listening to some 50 Cent. I really am and it makes me think back to this one time when I capped an Amishman back home. It was pretty hardcore. I'd been drinking a little--ok a lot. I'd had like a fifth of Wild Turkey and was 12 beers into a 24- pack of Natural Light and this Dutchie comes up my driveway looking for his horse. He says," hey have you seen my horse," and I say, "get the expletive off my lawn!" and he says, "I'm sorry. I'm just looking for my horse." It was ridiculous this guy coming and bothering me at 3 in the afternoon, so I say, "I'll go inside and get my shoes and help you look for it." I go inside and grab the 20 guage and then come back out and say, "Hey get off my lawn before I shoot you Amishman."

He starts running away. His tall thin frame moved across the moist ground after a soft rain the night before. His dark silhouette contrasted against the azure sky was like zen here in the physical realm, although my imbibature of alcohol had caused my soul to move to the metaphysical dimension of this glorious realm. It was at this beautiful time of pseudo-enlightenment that I pulled the trigger. The Amishman hit the ground and lay there for a second that seemed like an eternity. He regained his feet and kept running, his bruised body limping with each step. It was at this moment that I think that I truly experienced life again and decided to quit drinking. I've been sober for 5 years now and I owe it all to that Amishman. Sometimes, I crave alcohol, but then I think of him laing on the ground and I cry a little on the inside and on the outside too.

Be responsible with alcohol or you may get to the point that I was at. I still haven't forgiven myself and I can't go back to my old home, becauseof what I did. It's sad to think that I'll never get to go home again. Trust me. Drinking is just not worth it.

First post

2004-12-06T04:12:00.000-05:00

I've got a blog now, so I'll be able to say cool things and everyone will be like "whoa, that's cool" and I'll be like "whatever, I already knew that I'm cool" and everyone will be jealous of me, especially those people who aren't as cool as me, which means everyone.

So I got in a fight with two animal trainers this weekend in Fargo. The one guy called me a name that I can't say on the internet, so I was like "WTF buddy" and he was like "don't mess with me I train tigers for a living" and I was like "you've never had to deal with a tiger as ferocious as me" and he was like "expletive, expletive, mother joke, expletive, go expletive until expletive, expletive" and I was like " don't talk like that in front of children" and he was like "I'll say whatever I want in front of whoever I want" and I was like " let's take this outside" and he was like "bring it," so we went outside. It was cold and there were light snow flurries. The cold air bit my skin like a bag of excited baby rattle-snakes. The sun was low in the sky and i could feeling the evening knocking on the door of my soul. So this tiger trainer and his friend, a lion trainer, follow me outside and they're like " so you think your tough?" and I was like "does the river meet the sea?" and it was on. They beat the crap out of me, but i showed them that they can't just go around being rude in front of children. I bet that their souls hurt with every punch and kick that they struck my body with. Next time I see them it'll be different, because I'm learning to use nunchucks and in like a month I'll be like a force to wreckon with.

Well, hopefully you all had a nice weekend. I'll try to post a new adventure soon, because I rock and have the coolest life ever.